Photography by Kayte Demont
It’s often times the moments that I spend alone, smoking a joint by myself in the silence of my home, that I feel the most at peace and inspired. There’s something so freeing about being able to let it all hang loose and feeling zero inhibition. The creativity swirls in the safe space that I’ve created for myself – home truly is where my heart is.
Lately, I’ve been really feeling the seasonal depression more than usual. Although I need the swinging pendulum of life to balance the ups and downs, I absolutely hate winter and wish it could be summer all the time. Because even though you need to appreciate the lows to appreciate the highs, who really wants to ever be low, amiright?! (This thinking might have something to do with why I’m sober now…) I celebrated my 2-year sobriety date last week and it’s been bringing up a lot of emotions. I’m finding myself in another time of transition lately and although that typically brings up a lot of shit, this time around feels different.
I had a realization when I woke up on my 2 years. I’ve been punishing myself and living in this weird gray area – better than before, but not quite there yet. My realization was that this entire time, I’ve felt like I’m not worthy of anything. Not worthy of success, not worthy of love, not worthy of forgiveness. I’m giving myself the room to feel those things, because a lot has happened in the past two years to make me feel that way. It’s been extremely painful and difficult to wade through the years of suppressed feelings and to gain understanding about why people are the way that they are. Here’s what I realized: The only thing standing in my way is myself. I’ve put in the work, I’ve truly become a different person than I was 2 years ago. In the professional realm, I’ve also put in the work. I consistently produce quality content for amazing artists and brands and I’m proud of how my style has developed. The only difference between myself and those more successful than me is confidence.
SO. With that realization in mind, I’m ready to let go and forgive myself and forgive what’s happened and move forward. Through this dark period of time, I have found ways to channel my emotions into art. I’m writing more, I’m photographing more, I’m painting and drawing and dancing more. I’m ready to take it to the next level and I’m not afraid of “NO” anymore. If you’re feeling the seasonal depression, or you’re just having a difficult time right now, remember: it’s all temporary and you have permission to move through it and process it however feels right for you.