Edits by Kayte Demont
Lately, I’ve been contemplating the idea of not living life in such polarizing terms. I’ve felt caught up in many aspects of my life, trying to figure out who I truly am and where I “fit”. It’s interesting because consciously, I accept and acknowledge that I don’t fit into any one box – and I love myself for that! But it’s almost as if my subconscious hasn’t quite caught up yet. I want to feel as though I’ve reached some type of conclusion and can check off “finding myself” from the laundry list of to-do’s that constantly rules my life. That feeling isn’t reality though as what I’m learning is that life is a constant journey of growth and change. I will never be able to proverbially cross off self-discovery from my list of things to accomplish.
In the past, I have typically felt as though I needed to be this or that – separate categories that have no overlap. Which is a bit insane to me because I’ve always excelled (by my own standards) in many different areas. I did well in sports, I did well in art, I got decent grades in school and somehow managed to be on the swim team, in a sorority, on a dance team and in an acapella group in college. Don’t get me wrong, I’m by no means at an elite level in any of those activities, but I was fortunate enough to have opportunities to try new things, did well enough to be competitive and I was miraculously able to balance them all without completely (operative word here) losing my sanity.
Here’s the thing: I don’t want to live my life under such pressure anymore. I want to feel the freedom to pick and choose what activities I pour my energy into and I want to do it on my own time and in my own way. If I wake up in the morning and feel like swimming 2 miles, I want to do it and not feel like I suddenly have to be in shape like I was in college, or else it’s not worth it. I want to go to a dance class and completely let go and feel like I can express freely without getting down on myself for not picking up choreography as quickly as I used to. I want to be a little bit bohemian and a little bit street style while hiking a mountain and blasting house music. I want to talk about my sexuality and my sobriety and not feel like either of them completely define me. You want to know the kicker? I’m literally the only person standing in my way. These are self-imposed roadblocks that I’ve mentally created for myself and frankly? They’re fucking bullshit.
I titled this post Independence for two reasons. 1) It’s a 4th of July themed post so it felt appropriate. 2) My goal for the next few months is to really focus on freedom from negative thoughts, polarized notions and self-imposed pressure. I think that we all have things that we are holding on to that are keeping us from realizing our full potential. In the spirit of vulnerability, I’d love to open up the conversation and challenge you all to try and free your minds of doubt. Every human has so much talent to share with the world, we just need to step out of our own way and go for it!